First Kiss
by DemonicK
Summary: ..."Did we just get locked in a closet?" The universe seems to think McKay and Sheppard are made for each other. John and Rodney beg to differ.
1. Part I

**First Kiss  
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic  
Tuesday, 30 September 2008**

**Warnings: Language, (Pseudo-)Slash**

* * *

A/N: Wow. Almost exactly one year after finishing my last Atlantis fic (read: after doing any serious writing **(cough)**) — I'm back! (Has it really been that _long?_)

Sheppard and McKay get put into an awful lot of situations where they're left to be _romantically inclined_ towards one another. I have oft wondered: just what would Sheppard and McKay think of all of this? And… _this_… ensued.

It's not crack-fic. It's just warped. Enjoy. :)

* * *

"I'm just saying, it's _creepy_."

Rodney sat up, what little patience he had left for Sheppard's quips breaking under this latest strain. "_Yes_, Colonel, so I've _heard_."

"I heard too," a childlike voice piped up in the background. Though, 'piped in' might have been the more accurate phrase; it had the tinny reverberation of mechanical origins. Both men suddenly looked a bit more wary, and tilted their heads to catch sight of a nearby view screen. Pulsating colors resolved themselves into a face-like image. "Did you not intend me to hear?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter." John's tone was casual enough; Rodney had to wonder if the man was entirely _sane_.

Well, actually, he'd figured quite the opposite for a long time now. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Rodney ducked back down to the panel he had been disassembling, while the colonel provided oh-so-helpful 'oversight'. "_Colonel_. Must you antagonize the being that _controls_ this ship's systems?" he asked pointedly. "Like, oh, _life support?_"

"I wasn't antagonizing it," John protested.

"You weren't?"

Rodney grimaced at the entity's question, trying not to imagine the various ways an angry AI could kill a couple humans in the burnt out wreck of an abandoned ship. "Oh. No. Of course not."

All he got in return was an unimpressed glare. "_No_." John turned to face the screen, despite the fact that Rodney had repeatedly told him the thing didn't actually _see_ them— it used internal sensors to determine what was happening— and so it didn't matter if they _looked_ at the damn thing or not. He got the feeling that Sheppard was doing it to spite him now. "It's called 'teasing'."

"Teasing?"

"Yep. Y'know…" John trailed off, gesturing idly. "It's uh… making fun?"

"Making… fun." The computer generated face dissolved for a moment, before reforming. It seemed to do that when it was thinking. "So this is something you do for… fun?"

"All the time," John assured it with a grin.

"Oh yeah, lots of fun," Rodney sniped. "Isn't there something _else_ you could be doing?"

"You must have much fun, then," the AI concluded, not paying attention to Rodney's plaintive question.

Dear _Lord_, would they never shut up?

The team had come through the latest 'gate in a Puddle Jumper to find it in orbit— along with a field of debris from a millennia-old space battle. Some of the ships were still fairly in tact, if not operational; they'd picked the one they thought least likely to fall apart and set to exploring it.

Not only did it have some vestiges of power, but held an even bigger surprise in the form of their newest, if artificial, 'friend'.

Apparently, it had been designed to cater to the health and well being of the people of this vessel— half morale officer, half babysitter, John had joked. The plus side was, it was thrilled to meet them, and to help them explore the ship.

The down side: the barrage of pointless, annoying questions. _And_ the irritatingly curious, cheerful way it asked them.

"What makes you say that?" The colonel tilted his head, his own curiosity piqued at the AI's latest conclusion.

Colonel Sheppard did enjoy talking with it, if only for the reason that the idle chatter got on McKay's nerves. Though, privately, John stood by his earlier statement— the thing itself was unsettling. For all Rodney kept muttering about him hanging around bothering him, instead of joining the rest of the team in exploring the ship, he could feel the scientist's unspoken relief at not being left alone.

Sheppard couldn't blame him. The AI seemed friendly, but there was never any guarantee, especially with Rodney poking around its insides. It was almost _too_ cheerful, and eager. Kinda struck him as borderline manic— also made him nervous about any mood swings it might have.

But, he had to admit, a few thousand years completely alone could probably do that.

"Teasing… you do it a lot, don't you?" The AI's tone was quizzical. "So, you make much fun," it added in a happy tone, as though it had just deduced the answer to a particularly perplexing question.

"More fun for some than others," Rodney interrupted, loudly.

John shot him a dirty look. The AI's 'face' swirled into a blur before reforming again, slowly this time. A way to express confusion, maybe. "What do you mean? Is Colonel Sheppard not telling the truth?"

"Oh, sure he is." Rodney smirked to himself. "He's a big spokesman for 'the truth'. Just like the lady in my apartment building who lined her windows with tinfoil."

"What?"

"Original," John muttered, a little more deflated than a few moments ago.

"Go for the classics, I always say." Maybe now the colonel would give him a bit more quiet in which to work.

It was not to be, of course. The swirling colors on the wall mounted screen churned faster. "I do not understand."

"Yeah, well, don't worry, not a lot of people understand McKay."

The aforementioned sat up, wearing an incensed look. "And you talk about _my_ originality??"

"Neither of you seem like you are having fun," the AI cut in, sounding… _alarmed_. "Your body language and tones suggest _hostility_—"

"Whoa!" John's brows were knit together. "Easy there…" He and Rodney exchanged a glance; their bickering was momentarily forgotten. Rodney was privately relieved to see concern in the colonel's expression as well. "We're not going to kill each other or anything."

There was a long silence, where John stared down at Rodney, before he finally gave him a sharp nudge with his boot. "Oh! Right, uh… I mean we're just… joking," Rodney managed to get out. Sheppard looked upwards with a helpless expression.

"Look," John started again, in the most soothing voice he could muster, "I know we don't seem to act like it, but we _are_ friends." This time he gave Rodney a pointed look.

The other man's gaze was droll, but he added, "That's right."

A wide grin broke out on John's face. "So see? Nothing to worry about, although, we appreciate your concern," he assured the AI.

Rodney sat back, regarding the panel he had dismantled. "Though you know— like I've said— it doesn't actually _see_—"

In complete exasperation: "_Rodney!_—"

"_Colonel Sheppard_."

"Major." Whatever John was about to say was lost as his hand went up to his radio and his eyes became unfocused. "What's your status?"

Teyla hadn't joined them, having only recently given birth to her son. To be safe, Colonel Carter had gone ahead and sent Major Lorne's team with Sheppard's. It was fortunate, considering the size of the ship they had stumbled across. However, it had also given Ronon someone else to explore the ship with; it wasn't like Sheppard _minded_ hanging around and annoying Rodney, but he could have used the additional company.

"_Everything checks out, Colonel. Most of the sections don't have power, and the air's a little stale, but nothing hazardous._"

"Good," John murmured, nodding out of habit. "We should get some scientists in here, then." Rodney coughed, and the colonel amended his statement. "_More _scientists." He gave the other man a look, one that seemed to say, 'Happy now?'

"Thank you," Rodney intoned, checking the panel over to be sure it would be all right if he left it as is— if intuition served him, Sheppard was about to pull them out for now, which was fine with Rodney. Moderately interesting though the ship was, it was hardly the biggest find he'd ever laid eyes upon— more advanced than some of their own technology, but only barely.

John took note of Rodney's preemptive preparations and grinned again. Then, over his radio: "All right. We've been out here a while, we're due to check in, in a few hours. What do you say we call it a day and head home early?"

"_Sounds good to me, sir_."

"Sounds _great_." Rodney groaned, trying to push himself to his feet. John offered his hand; Rodney took it but then found himself being jerked to his feet so quickly he almost tripped. He cleared his throat, giving the soldier a dry look. "Thanks."

Still wearing that damned, persistent smile, John slapped him on the shoulder, harder than was absolutely necessary and making Rodney stumble again. "No problem!"

"You're leaving?"

Both men turned to regard the screen with the AI's 'face', the colors within it moving in agitated fashion that lent to the aggrieved sound of its voice.

"…We're coming back." Rodney shot John a look that seemed to be demanding to know if he was possessed of any sanity whatsoever. Seeming unimpressed, John directed the next comment at him in an undertone. "What, you don't want to?"

The other man seemed taken aback by the suggestion, and quickly replied in a just-as-hushed tone. "I never said _that_."

"Then what the hell are you whining about?"

"Well— an alien computer having separation anxiety doesn't _disturb you_?"

"You _are_ leaving," the computer cut back in. It actually sounded like it was going to cry, leaving Sheppard to wonder just how that would be achieved… Probably more like throw a tantrum, actually. And for _that_ he could think of a few unsavory possibilities.

He held up his hands in a placating fashion, trying to calm the childlike computer and the equally childish scientist at once. "And like I said, we're coming back. Right now, we just need… uh—"

"Sustenance," Rodney broke in, sounding bored.

John snapped his fingers. "There ya' go."

"We, unlike a computer program, need to ingest food every few hours in order survive."

John affected a lopsided grin. "Besides, McKay can't think straight without food."

The scientist drew himself up, getting huffy. "I'll have you know that hypoglycemia could indeed impair my brain function so it _may_ not be in your best interest to starve me."

This only served to widen the other man's grin, drawing a withering glare from Rodney.

The AI missed the unspoken exchange, and mused along with them, knowingly. "Ah, I understand— my people had the same problem."

"Wha— problem?"

"Rodney." The dry tone of voice caught his attention and he found John giving him an amused look. "Just leave it."

"But— oh, _fine_," he muttered as John started to warn him again.

"Hey, _you_ were the one going off on _me_ about 'antagonizing' it."

Rodney answered as much with his hands as with his mouth, prompting John to step a little further out of gesture-range. "_Yes_, but neither do I want to _encourage_ it, bringing me back to my last point: _why_, again, are you promising it we'll come back?"

John's forehead crinkled as his brows drew together. "Because we _are?_ Unless, of course," he was quick to add, "you'd rather give this one to Zelenka?"

That suggestion was met with a disparaging sound of dismissal. "Radek wouldn't know what to do in here even _with_ the Ghost of Christmas Past hovering over his shoulder," he said, jerking his thumb upwards, the general direction the AI's voice seemed to be coming from. "Look, just— we're not coming back indefinitely," Rodney continued in a hushed tone that John had to wonder if the AI really couldn't hear. "Personally? _I'd_ like to keep it from getting too attached, so as to _avoid_ the whole 'antagonizing' thing whenever we ultimately _leave_."

It took Rodney a few steps to realize he'd lost the colonel, and he pivoted in place, only to meet a somewhat incredulous gaze. Confused, he watched John stroll forward, the man pausing to regard him. "You really are paranoid, aren't you?"

"_Hey!_" John just rolled his eyes and allowed himself a small smile, considered he was past Rodney by now; he could hear the rushed footsteps as the incensed scientist hurried to match his longer stride and defend himself.

The back-and-forth between them continued for a few more minutes before the ship's artificial intelligence decided to rejoin the conversation. It seemed to be… confused. Concerned, maybe. "The two of you appear to be very close, and yet, you argue very often."

Rodney let out a muted snort, before he suddenly staggered, knocked to the side by something impacting his shoulders. That 'something' turned out to be John's arm, which just so happened to be around his shoulders now; the man was wearing a grin to put the Cheshire Cat to shame.

Before Rodney could say any one of the acidic comments on the tip of his tongue, John cut him off with a cheerful response to the AI. "Aww, but it's _affectionate_ arguing!"

"_Quite_," Rodney replied in as dry a tone as he could muster, grabbing the colonel's sleeve and removing the man's arm from any contact with himself.

"I see…"

The rest of the walk went in blissful silence, though Rodney couldn't help but roll his eyes at least once, the words _suffering fools gladly_ rolling through his head.

This, among other things, was forgotten upon reaching the bulkhead between sections. The _closed_ bulkhead, between _them_ and the section the Jumper was in.

"What the _hell—_"

A silencing hand found its way to Rodney's arm, but looking over at John, the scientist could see he looked just as perturbed as he did. Well maybe not _just_ as perturbed, as Rodney was starting to get that down to a fine art, but he seemed uneasy.

The voice that drifted down to them seemed upset. "What is wrong?"

After a moment, and slightly more calm than Rodney had been, John ventured the same question. "…Why is the bulkhead door closed?"

The response was readily supplied: "There isn't enough atmosphere remaining on the ship to support all areas. I have been sealing off unoccupied sections to move the air to the areas your team has been exploring."

John was taken aback for a moment; when he spoke again, he sounded uncertain. "Uh. Thanks?" He glanced over at Rodney, raising his eyebrows. The scientist didn't seem so at ease with this information, though; he suddenly appeared very nervous.

"What's the matter?" John murmured, leaning over.

The look he got in return was full of incredulity. "It doesn't bother you in the slightest that it sealed us in this section while it shuffled the breathable air around?"

When he put it _that_ way— John suddenly felt a little more anxious himself.

"I promise, I only did it to maintain appropriate levels of oxygen," the artificial intelligence hurried to inform them. One set of bulkhead doors opened, presumably the AI's doing, revealing a second set. "You need only step into the area between the doors, and I will cycle the air from the section you are in now to the one you are entering."

The colonel could see Rodney tense up at the suggestion; he had to admit, the area dividing the bulkheads was kind've small. It didn't look too comfortable. "Hang on just a second," John asked of the entity, and put his hand up to his radio again. The doors slid obligingly shut as he did so. "Lorne."

"_Colonel?_"

"Hey… the, uh, AI says it's been sealing sections off to pump the breathable air to other places as we move through the ship. Wants us to use the bulkheads as a sort of airlock… Anything like this come up for you guys?"

"_Yeah,_" Lorne replied easily; Rodney's sigh was actually audible. "_When we got to some of the more outlying areas. It was a bit of a tight fit, but fairly quick_."

"You see?" The AI had obviously listened in on the conversation. "I am sorry if I alarmed you."

Sheppard let out a sound of amusement, smiling a little despite himself. "Thanks, Major."

Rodney wasn't so easily convinced. "How come you didn't have to do this when we came out, though?"

"Your team was not so widely spread at that time— I was able to leave both sections open and with atmosphere." The AI paused; when it spoke again, it was clearly perplexed. "If you are that concerned, you could wait until your teammates are closer and I can bring air into the next section from elsewhere…"

"No," Sheppard drawled, shooting Rodney a look just as the man opened his mouth. "We'll go on ahead." Then he grinned, relishing his next few words. "All right. Open the pod bay doors, Hal."

"Hal?"

"_Funny_." McKay did not appear amused. He did step across the threshold into the small area, however, and the colonel followed a moment after. Once they were clear, the panels slid shut, locking with a distinct click.

Silence pervaded the small space; Rodney was soon shifting back and forth in place, anxious and more than a little claustrophobic.

"Re_lax_, Rodney." John was aggravatingly calm, hands folded and rested on top of the P-90 clipped to his vest, shoulders casually pressed up into the wall.

"Easy for you to say," Rodney shot back. "And what was Lorne on about? This is _not_ what I'd call 'fairly quick'!"

"It's not going any faster for me, either."

The sarcasm seemed lost on Rodney, who twisted in place and looked up at the ceiling, presumably trying to direct his words to the AI. "Hey! Can you hear us?"

"Of course!" John gave Rodney a look that said, _see?_ Rodney shot back a glare that said, _shut up._ "Though increased volume is unnecessary; I assure you, my auditory sensors function at a uniform capacity throughout the ship."

"Right, whatever. How long exactly is this going to take?"

Where there had been cheerful, helpful answers before, the only reply Rodney got this time was a conspicuously prolonged silence.

The teammates exchanged glances, already tensing up. Sheppard stepped forward from where he had been leaning on the wall, resisting the urge to finger his weapon. A whole hell of a lot of good _that_ would do. Instead, he tried to coax the computer into answering, though he couldn't keep his voice from sounding strained. "You know, I'm interested in knowing that myself."

Again, there was no answer. "Oh, _screw this_." Rodney already had his pack off and was running his hands over the walls, his motions tightened by anxiety.

The sudden voice made him jump. "The cycling of air will… continue indefinitely."

"_What?_"

"Wait— _why?_"

A gleeful sound that could only be described as a _giggle_ drifted down to them. John's wide eyed reaction to _that_ one was equally matched by Rodney's— he saw the scientist, looking horrified, mouth the word '_psychotic_', and made harsh gesture with his arm to hopefully prevent him from voicing that thought out loud.

Growing more serious, the computer continued: "The welfare of those aboard this ship is my responsibility. The two of you are obviously close, and yet suffer from discontent with one another." Then, it was speaking in an authoritative tone, like a teacher to schoolchildren. "You must make amends before I can allow you to continue."

Apparently self-satisfied, the AI said no more, leaving the tiny compartment plunged once again into silence.

For all of the approximately two seconds it took for Rodney to explode, pitched at least half an octave higher than usual.

"_What?!_ What in the hell kind of plan is _that?_ And how does this even constitute caring for people's welfare, sticking them between two bulkheads—" By this time, Rodney was starting to get into a roll, his yelling continuing on a single breath and not even noticing that his teammate hadn't yet broken in. "Let me tell _you_ mister I have had a _good deal_ of experience with psychiatry and _beyond_ being the most _convoluted_ reasoning I have ever had the misfortune to be subject to, _this_ is not psychiatry— and I think I'm starting to develop a theory as to why everyone on this ship _died_!!"

Rodney's tirade came to an end— or at least a lull— and the thought occurred to him that Sheppard usually would have jumped in by now, if not to crack some joke then to tell him off for screaming at the entity which could potentially drain the atmosphere from their little bulkhead space. Or stop cycling the air, let them kill themselves by carbon dioxide poisoning. Or drop the temperature until they froze to death.

Right. …Don't antagonize the alien computer that controls the ship, he reminded himself.

Trying to suppress that line of thought with a shudder, he focused in on his teammate, who was being conspicuously silent.

John was wearing an incredulous, almost baffled expression, regarding the door instead of the other man. Noticing that Rodney's attention had turned to him, John glanced his way. There was a long pause; then—

"Did we just get locked in a closet?"


	2. Part II

**First Kiss  
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic  
Monday, 6 October 2008**

**Warnings: Language, (Pseudo-)Slash**

* * *

A/N: The date is up for contention, but it's officially past midnight for me. Sorry, gang, I tried to have it up sooner for you, but what can I say? The need for sleep and due dates caught up with me. That's okay, though— I'm glad I took the time to finish the chapter out properly, and reach the point I wanted to reach, instead of cutting it. That said— look for part three in the coming week or so, schedule permitting.

I feel a little bad, as some of the characters don't seem to get their time— not to worry, they'll all have a good run next go round.

As always, enjoy. (If you're half as twisted as me, which you must be if you're reading this, I'm sure you will.)

* * *

"…_What?_"

John supposed he should be grateful there wasn't any glass between the bulkhead doors, because Rodney's squeak somehow managed to go up a few more hertz. The wide eyed and obviously disturbed look he was getting from the scientist prompted John to sigh in disgust.

"You _know_ what I mean."

"Yes I do, so you can understand why I find it somewhat _curious_ that you choose to draw _that_ particular analogy to our current situation."

A leering smirk met this suggestion. "I promise not to take advantage of you."

"So you _say_," was the disparaging comment tossed back; Rodney had already returned to searching the walls for any kind of panel he could remove.

"You know," the disembodied voice of their would-be-welfare officer came in, "this _is_ the sort of behavior I was referring to."

"Yeah?" Rodney's tone had returned to normal: both in pitch and sarcasm. "_You_ come down here and lock yourself with him in a broom closet—"

"_See?_" John jumped on that one just as Rodney realized what he'd said.

"It— that— _not what I meant_."

"_Please_, end your hostilities."

Rodney let out a short groan, rolling his eyes. Between the wacked-out computer and the ever infuriating colonel, it was a wonder he didn't already have a migraine. _Come on, there's got to be something in here I can pry off…_

Of course, the AI couldn't leave it alone. "What are you doing?"

"Interior design," John deadpanned.

Rodney shot him an unappreciative glare, before returning his attention to a panel in the wall, clawing at it with his fingernails. "As…_fascinating_… as having a heart to heart with Sheppard sounds…" He paused again, making a sound of exertion as he tugged at the panel, which refused to give. "I prefer the option… where I rearrange your mechanical guts—" The handle of a KA-BAR suddenly appeared in front of him; Rodney blinked before realizing that the colonel was handing him the knife, which he promptly took and attacked the wall again. "Thanks— and open the door _myself_."

"Guts…?" The computer fell silent, to ponder that one, he guessed. Rodney really couldn't care less; he levered the tip of the knife into the crack between the panel and the wall, finally feeling it start to give a little, and a triumphant grin spread across his face. Oblivious, the program went on seeming more puzzled than upset: "I am unsure of what you believe you can do. There are no access panels between bulkheads."

Out of his peripheral vision, Rodney could see John's eyebrow quirk upwards, but he wasn't to be so easily defeated. "Yeah, I'll bet," he muttered, still grinning. He gave the knife one more heave, splitting the panel away from the wall, and jammed his fingers behind it to pull it away. "We shall _see_ about… that."

Rodney's triumph fizzled. He didn't even bother to snip at John as the latter leaned over to inspect what he had revealed.

"…As a safety precaution, there are no access points between bulkheads, in the event that one of the doors is breached in an emergency, to prevent both doors from being compromised. …What were you expecting?"

"…A little more than a panel shaped indent in the wall," Rodney mumbled, not really intending the computer to hear.

John now raised both eyebrows and shrugged, trying to look speculative. "Look on the bright side. Now we have a table."

He quickly had to bring his hands up to catch the panel Rodney thrust at him. "Or a _divider_," the scientist muttered, still obviously aggravated by his lack of success.

John set the panel to the side of the compartment. "So now what?" He managed to sound almost bored, but it had the strain of being forced.

"What are you looking at me for?" Rodney demanded. "Unless you'd like more of the wall to decorate your corner?"

The ever present AI chimed in again. "Your actions are counterproductive. You should seek to correct your problems, instead of furthering them."

Even the unflappable colonel was starting to lose his cool. Practically growling, he glared up at the ceiling and presumably at wherever the AI was speaking from. "What do you want us to do? Kiss and make up??"

"…_That_ is an _excellent_ idea!"

"_What?_"

"_What?!_"

"I _wasn't serious!_" John protested, but was cut short by an astrophysicist suddenly invading his personal space and yelling at the top of his lungs and shoving him in the shoulder, too.

"Oh, _nice going!!_ What the _hell'd_ you go and say _that_ for?!"

"It's a _figure of speech!_"

"Yeah, well, now it's our psychotic _ship's counselor's_ prescription!"

The computer's plaintive remark went unnoticed or just ignored. "This is going to take a while, isn't it?"

Pushing Rodney away roughly, John followed through on the gesture by turning and punching the wall. Swearing, he yanked his hand back, before stabbing at his radio. "_Lorne!_"

The major couldn't have missed the stress in his superior's voice, because the response that came was both immediate and on edge. "_Sir?_"

John turned to give their latest predicament a once over, not missing the sneering, pissed off scientist standing in the middle of it. The colonel let out a long puff of air through his teeth. "…We've got a bit of a _problem_."

* * *

"Unscheduled off world activation!"

Colonel Samantha Carter glanced up from her laptop, pausing only long enough to save her latest report before taking a short but brisk walk into the control room.

"Amelia?"

"Major Lorne, ma'am." Carter nodded to the technician, who quickly disengaged the shield.

The colonel was already halfway down the stairs when a puddle jumper appeared through the horizon— and a frown came to her face, upon realizing there was approximately half the number of men returning as had left.

Frowning, Sam activated her radio. "Major— where's Colonel Sheppard's team?"

Through the front window of the ship, she could see Lorne's expression. What was more confusing, though, was that he didn't appear alarmed. His expression seemed to be somewhere between disbelief and amusement, as he caught her gaze. She watched him raise a hand to his own radio, before hearing the crackling in her earpiece. "_Ma'am— you're gonna want to hear this one in person_."

* * *

"_Wait… run this by me again…_"

"No."

For once, John found himself agreeing with Rodney's bluntness. Any amusement left in this situation was well and truly dead, although, trust Ronon not to acknowledge the fact.

While Lorne and his team had gone back to Atlantis— presumably to let Carter know about their predicament and get any unnecessary personnel out of the way to prevent any _similar_ incidents— Ronon had naturally volunteered to stay behind, to keep watch. And to harass Rodney and John as much as possible from the other side of the door.

And he certainly wasn't going to be bothered to hide his entertainment for the sake of his teammate's dignity. John could just imagine the shit-eating grin on the Satedan's face. "…_Have you considered just doing it?_"

"_No!_"

"_No!_"

"I swear to _God_ I'm gonna kill him," Rodney swore, removing his hand from the radio.

"That I'd pay to see," John drawled, also choosing not to broadcast his comment.

"When are they gonna get here?" Rodney suddenly wondered aloud; having run out of bluster for the moment, he had returned to complaining. "God, I'm starving." The majority of their supplies, naturally, had been in the jumper.

Rolling his eyes, John rocked his head back against the wall. Rodney had reluctantly conceded that the system would be easy enough to manipulate— with access— that Lorne could just bring back another scientist to open the doors for them. Of course, there were about twenty different things that John could think of— off the top of his head— that could go wrong with _that_. Like, say, the ship's computer deciding to lock any help out the same way it had locked them _in_.

Noticing how Rodney was already starting to sweat, though, he chose not to voice these thoughts. One tended to get over claustrophobia when making a career out of cramming yourself into tiny cockpits. Not so, apparently, with astrophysics.

"…_You two still there?_"

John bit down on his tongue and a few choice words. Rodney didn't feel the same compulsions, rolling his eyes and pressing the transmit button. "_No, _we _miraculously_ discovered an escape hatch and are now crawling through the Jeffrey tubes to safety!"

"_The what?_"

"Just ignore him," John broke in helpfully. "That's what I'm trying to do."

Rodney snorted, eyes narrowed. "Could you try a little harder?"

And then the sound they'd been waiting the better part of an hour to hear— "_Colonel?_"

"Lorne!" Sheppard leaned forward, but couldn't be bothered to actually get up from the floor. Even with the relief that he couldn't quite hide, we wasn't so optimistic as to hope it was over yet. "Took you long enough."

"_Sorry, sir_—" The side of John's mouth pulled to one side. The major certainly didn't sound sorry, but Sheppard had already decided he was going to get Lorne back, just as soon as he was out of this box. "_Took a while to get back to the gate, then to get everyone briefed—_"

"_Actually, it took a while for him to convince me he wasn't joking._"

That had both of the men sitting up straight. "Sam?" Rodney wondered aloud, unsure of whether he should be relieved or horrified. Glancing over, he saw that John appeared no more pleased about the prospect of his commanding officer joining the party. "What are you doing here?"

* * *

Sam couldn't help a smirk, but didn't fall out of step with Lorne, who was leading them back to where Sheppard and McKay had gotten themselves stuck. The two civilians behind them, though, she could hear rush to keep up with their longer stride.

"Well we'd like the two of you out of there as quickly as possible, so I figured I could help. Besides," she went on, smile never disappearing, "I had to see this one for myself."

"_Ah. Fantastic._" Acerbic as ever. Sam noticed Lorne struggling to maintain his composure out of the corner of her eye.

Lucky for him, a distraction came as they rounded the corner. "Ronon," Sam greeted. He nodded to the group of them, and Sam fingered her radio once more. "All right, we're here."

"_Hey Colonel. Who's we?_"

Lorne took the opportunity to answer as the colonel unpacked her equipment. "It's me, Colonel Carter, Zelenka and Keller, sir."

"_Wha— Jennifer's there?_"

"'_Jennifer'?_"

The woman in question rolled her eyes at the bickering drifting back through the radios, before sharing an amused look with Ronon. She figured she ought to at least explain her presence, though, and turned her radio on as well. "Just in case things go south."

"_Oh, that's reassuring!_"

Jennifer smiled, before Ronon caught her attention again. He was regarding her with a disbelieving smile. "Really?" he asked, off radio.

She paused, before flicking hers off momentarily to reply, a bit guiltily. "Okay, so maybe I wanted to see this too. Hey, _you're_ here, aren't you?"

"Am I the only person here who came because they would be needed?" Radek felt the need to throw out, pulling out a tablet of his own and, at the moment, plugging a cable into a port on the side.

"Oh come on, Radek," Sam murmured, fiddling with a panel next to the door. "You're just as much a voyeur as the rest of us."

Radek affected a very dignified expression that was somewhat defeated when Colonel Sheppard's voice came through on the radio; "_You know, we can still hear you._"

The group outside the door exchanged looks, prompting Radek to flinch and raise a hand to his earpiece. "Whoops."

A snicker from someone was hastily stifled, and a quick glance revealed the perpetrator to be Doctor Keller. Sam didn't even bother trying to hide her grin, before turning her own radio back on.

"Okay, we're patched in. Radek and I'll have the two of you out of there in no time." She gave a sidelong glance towards the aforementioned, and the Czech gave her a nod of agreement.

"May I ask what you're doing?" a curious voice suddenly spoke.

Lorne and Ronon's only reaction was to narrow their eyes; to her credit, Sam only looked up, searching for the source of the voice. She'd dealt with too much weird crap to be fazed by disembodied voices. Jennifer and Radek, though, both visibly started, before affecting matching sheepish expressions.

"It's the computer," Lorne supplied, and the colonel nodded.

"Can you hear me?" she hazarded.

"Of course." The thing sounded surprisingly cheerful, for an alien computer entity that had just taken her lead scientist and top officer prisoner. "Can I be of assistance?"

Keller exchanged a look with Ronon and Lorne, all three of whom were standing to the side and trying to keep out of the way. "Sounds just like a kid."

Sam's eyebrows went up at this offer, and exchanged a glance with Zelenka. "You could open the doors for us?"

"Oh… Besides that?"

"Acts like one, too," Ronon remarked, prompting a grimace from the doctor.

"_You think we didn't try that?_"

"Relax, Rodney," Sam admonished. "It was worth asking."

"_No, it would be worth hacking into the ship's systems and opening this stupid door._"

"_Maybe she could work faster if you'd stop harassing her._"

Lorne frowned, before turning to Ronon. "Have they been going like this the whole time we've been gone?"

The Satedan continued to watch the two scientists work, a smirk gracing his features. "Yeah."

From where he was kneeling on the floor, Radek frowned, pushing his glasses further up his nose. Tentatively, he typed in a sequence of code, a basic command for this system, as best as he could tell. After about half a second, the sequence disappeared. "Colonel…"

"Yes?"

"_Yeah?_"

"Ah, Colonel Carter," he amended, lifting the tablet as she stepped over. "We may have a problem. Watch," he commanded, before repeating the experiment.

"_Problem? What problem? What's going on?_"

Rodney's sudden, anxious demands went ignored, as Sam pulled Radek's tablet closer, though there was no mistaking what had happened; lines creased themselves into her forehead as she grimaced, releasing the other scientist's computer to try the same effort on her own.

"_Hello? Come on, someone tell me what's happening! Oh, fine, 'us'_."

"Colonel?"

Jennifer's hesitant question had Sam turning to regard her— the doctor seemed nervous herself, the prospect that her presence might actually be required now occurring to her. Beyond the woman, Ronon and Lorne seemed no less on edge.

Colonel Carter's mouth was set into a grim line as she looked them over, before making sure her radio was still set to the 'transmit' position. "The computer can overwrite any changes or commands we try to execute."

Radek cast a glance back over his shoulder as well, his next statement for the sake of the other three as well as Colonel Sheppard and McKay. "…This may take longer than we first expected."

* * *

"Oh, _this_ is just great," Rodney groaned.

"_Really?_" John wasn't even bothering to pretend he was relaxed anymore. "And here I was thinking this was turning out to be a _swell_ afternoon!"

"_Take it easy, you two_." Keller, this time, which at least seemed to catch Rodney's attention, as she tried to speak with her best, soothing voice. "_Remember who's working to get you out._"

Rather immodestly, Rodney pointed to himself and added, "Yeah, and who's _not_ working to get us out."

"_Rodney_."

John let out a dry sound of amusement at Jennifer's admonishment, but couldn't bring himself to actually feel the same.

"_Don't worry, guys, we'll go in manually,_" Carter was assuring them.

John's mouth twitched a little, pulling at the corner. _Way this could go wrong, number one… check_.

* * *

"What kind of sick person would stuff two people in a box like this, for… for their own entertainment?" Rodney wondered aloud, incredulous.

John didn't even open his eyes; to say he was weary was like saying McKay was 'a little put out'. To be fair, it wasn't entirely Rodney's fault. What had been promised as no time at all had been drawn out to six hours so far.

Not that Rodney was helping any, either.

"_It's not really a person, is it?_" Zelenka sounded worse for wear, himself. They all did, except maybe Ronon, who wasn't really talking anyways. John wasn't too inclined to be charitable, though. They were outside, and while they at least had the subtlety to be kind about it, they could stand up, walk around, and eat. And use the head.

"What kind of sick person makes an AI that stuffs people in little boxes, then?" Rodney's face was growing red with frustration; Sheppard cracked an eye open to stare at him, and was met with a glare in return. That was followed by a huffy sigh, then the quiet, crackly sounds coming through the radios. After a while, they'd all simply grown tired of turning them off and on. Of course, John and Rodney's weren't going to last forever— the colonel had had Rodney turn his off, before disconnecting the earpiece from his own and leaving it out on the floor.

Besides Rodney's occasional heartburn, it had gotten pretty quiet. Mostly, Zelenka and Carter working. Quiet murmurs and hissed cuss words as things would yet again fail to pan out. Occasionally, there was a chipper voice that was distorted even worse by the radio— the computer seemed to have lost interest in talking to them, as they refused to acquiesce to it. Every now and again, it would speak to Colonel Carter, or to Radek, and they would politely tell it to piss off…

"_I really don't know, Rodney…_" Colonel Carter sounded like hell, John decided. He still wasn't feeling very charitable. So, unlike Rodney, he wisely chose to just keep his mouth shut so as to avoid putting his foot in it.

Across from him, McKay was leaning back against the wall, and raised one hand to rub at his eyes. John noted the scientist's arm shaking as he did so, and let out a puff of air.

* * *

Sam continued to work, quietly, and after a certain point, alone. The way Radek kept blinking furiously to clear the sleep from his eyes, the way his frame kept drooping with exhaustion— they weren't lost on her. After pretending she didn't see it for over an hour— if he was willing to keep going, she'd use his help, and then this whole thing would be over soon— she'd finally given in and ordered him to go to sleep.

She wasn't sure who she was trying to kid; they weren't making nay headway, at least not any kind they could use. On the one hand, they were making excellent progress in understanding exactly how this ship and its computer ran.

And then there was the computer itself—

"Ma'am?"

The colonel actually jumped a bit, almost fumbling her tablet. Lorne held up his hands, apologetically. After a moment, Carter grinned, sheepish, but amused nonetheless. The mirth didn't last long, though.

The major hazarded the inevitable question. "How's it coming?"

Sam's wry look told him about all he needed to know, but she chose to elaborate anyways. "Well, we're lucky this thing's been so amiable— it's a pleasant change of pace," she had to admit. "But then, the reason _why_ it's so agreeable even though it _knows_ exactly what we're doing is because it can stop us, every time."

Lorne winced, as much at her expression as her explanation. "Not much progress, then?"

Raising her eyebrows, Sam typed something in on her keyboard. "To be frank… none. Though, I haven't been working on that for the past half hour or so."

"Well, ma'am, you've been working on something." The surprised look he got had the major adding an explanation of his own: "Couldn't sleep."

"Did I keep you up?"

Lorne pressed his lips together into a thin line, before answering. "…No."

Sam cast her gaze his way, understanding without needing him to elaborate. "Mm… Here, have a look at this."

She held the tablet out to the side, so he could see, and the major knelt beside her to get a better angle. He frowned, not long after. "Just looks like code— Greek to me, ma'am."

Unbidden, a smile came to her face, but didn't last long. "It's the ship's systems… not the doors, unfortunately, but what I've been working on."

Lorne seemed mildly surprised. "The AI hasn't been screwing with it?"

"I think it's curious about what I'm doing."

"If you don't mind me asking, ma'am…"

"What am I doing?"

The major smiled a little, before nodding. The good mood wasn't nearly as infectious as it should have been, and even though the gesture cheered Colonel Carter a little, it couldn't quite lift the damper off this mission. To distract herself, she typed a few more things, before turning the tablet once more. "Well… if we're lucky, I think I can get a video feed from between the bulkheads. …They've been in there a while," she admitted. "I'd like to see how they are… and we're not exactly making much progress otherwise."

Lorne nodded along, before his brow creased with confusion. "I thought McKay kept going on about how the computer doesn't use video?"

"Oh, it doesn't," Sam added; the major bit his lip to keep from smiling again— even as their commanding officer, even Colonel Carter seemed to perk up when explaining some new bit of technology. "It doesn't need to, it's got internal sensors it uses instead. But the ship itself does have cameras… which _I_ intend to take advantage of."

"Well…" The colonel looked up to see Lorne holding up two fingers, before slipping one around the other. "Fingers crossed."

She didn't even laugh. Her own fingers were crossed under the edge of the tablet.

All of a sudden, a window popped up on the screen, and just as suddenly, the colonel's face was lit by a huge— and genuine— grin. Then she was reaching for her radio, and fingering the talk button. "John, Rodney— no great news, yet, but we've managed to pull up a video feed."

The figures that had stirred on screen settled a little; Colonel Sheppard looked around to find the camera spot, then waggled his fingers at it. McKay just looked sick.

"Hanging in there, sir?" Lorne was leaning in as close as could be considered polite to get a better look at the image; still, being able to actually see the colonel sit up and reach for the radio was an unexpected relief.

"_Ask me tomorrow._"

"It won't take that long, colonel." Sam sounded adamant, which was a bit of a surprise in and of itself.

"_Certainly hope not, ma'am_."

"…You two should try to get some sleep," she went on, a little more sedately. "And that's an order." Her tone was joking, but it was obviously forced.

Sheppard threw a half-assed salute at the camera, before settling himself back against the wall. Whether he would sleep or even try, Sam couldn't guess, but she wasn't exactly in a position to enforce her 'order'.

Having achieved her end with the cameras, she saw little else to do but to return to the doors, and worked on in silence, for a few minutes at least.

When Major Lorne broke in, it was quietly, at first. "You know, ma'am, you ought to get some shut-eye yourself."

"Major, don't let Doctor McKay fool you into thinking he was the cornerstone for sleep deprivation."

"…Colonel."

She glanced up, to see the major watching her. She could see why Sheppard liked him so much, he had all the requirements of a top notch 2IC— including the ability to influence the command, and worst of all, to sound reasonable while doing it.

"I find I must agree with Major Lorne."

The return of the child like voice had Carter groaning and swearing, with Lorne no more glad to hear the damned thing.

He regarded his superior officer with a raised eyebrow. "You didn't think it was gone, didja?"

"I sort've hoped…"

Blatantly ignoring them— seemed it was real good at that— the thing went on. "I've no wish for any of you to come to any harm, including the stress you are inducing upon yourselves."

"_What?_" That was almost too much, and Sam liked to think of herself as an even-tempered person. "That… that is such a load of bull!"

"What?... But it's true—"

"If it's true," the major broke in, trying to keep his voice low, "then why are two of our people still locked behind a bulkhead door?"

The ship's computer seemed confused. "I do not understand. What do you mean?"

"We mean…" Sam paused, licking her lips— "If you're serious about not causing any harm, then you've got to stop. You can't _do_ this."

"You can't _un_do this."

The colonel tilted her head back, fighting the urge to throw something at the closest wall. Lorne was quick to jump in again, still trying to talk the computer into just letting them out. "…What happens when they run out of air?"

"I've _told_ you, the ventilation system will recycle new air into the compartment."

The major was undeterred. "Then what about food?"

"Or more importantly," the colonel rejoined the conversation, "water— they can't survive more than a couple days without it."

The giggled response was enough to have them exchanging worried looks. "Then they'd better kiss and make up quickly!"

* * *

"_Hey, Doc_."

Keller moved over to take the radio from Lorne. "I'm here, Colonel."

It was twelve or so hours in, and Jennifer couldn't have felt more useless. None of them had been able to sleep very well, or long— but the more the hours dragged out, the more anxiety she felt, knowing they could need her help, and here she was, sitting, doing nothing. She had tried talking with them, earlier, at least to keep them occupied, but it hadn't lasted long. Even Rodney had said that he wasn't really in the mood for talking, which was worrying in and of itself.

So when the colonel asked for her specifically, it was with a little bit of trepidation that she waited for his message.

Sheppard's voice was laced with sarcasm, but was still grim enough to make the doctor worry. "_Guess what's happening to Rodney._"

Lorne shot Keller a puzzled look; she pulled back slightly, appearing confused as well, before her expression faltered, as though something had just dawned on her. The major continued to watch her, missing something.

Jennifer took no notice. Holding the radio back up, she said, "He's going into hypoglycemic shock, isn't he?" It wasn't really a question.

"_Bingo_." There was no sarcasm in the colonel's voice this time.

The major had to give Keller credit for self-control; he barely noticed her reaction. She stiffened up a little, looking almost like she was just taking a deep breath. Her breath was shallow and a little stuttered though, but even those little giveaways disappeared a moment later when she thumbed the button on the side of the radio once more. In their place was a steely look that seemed to come with the job, Lorne noticed. She moved to look at the tablet Colonel Carter had set up separately so they could keep an eye on the boys. "What're his symptoms?"

"_I'm right here, you know._"

Lorne watched a small smile tug at the corner of Keller's lips, despite the situation. He knew he was grinning himself, so didn't say anything.

Oblivious, Rodney went right on. "_And I am not going into shock,_" he snipped; a moment later, though, he added, "_I'm just feeling a little woozy, which I think I'm entitled to given that the total volume of this cabinet we're in is only a couple cubic meters, not to mention, I haven't eaten in half a day._"

Keller noticed Lorne tactfully trying to hold in a laugh; she ignored him, keying the radio once again. "Colonel?" she asked, pointedly.

"_He's getting shaky and pale… Well,_" he amended, "_paler than usual—_"

"_Gee thanks—_"

"_And he spaces out every now and again_," Colonel Sheppard finished, as though he had not been interrupted.

The sounds of McKay berating the colonel drifted back through the radio, but Lorne only listened for a few seconds of it before his attention was drawn away— Keller's amusement had faded, and her forehead was now creased as her expression became anxious.

"Doc?" Lorne let the implied question hang, his voice low, and placed a hand over hers on the radio to keep her from keying the radio then.

She met his scrutinizing gaze head on. "His low levels of blood sugar are starting to affect his brain. And, that's just what Colonel Sheppard can see; I have to wonder if there are other symptoms that Rodney's just managed to keep to himself," Keller filled in.

From where Carter and Zelenka were working, and where Ronon was leaned against the wall, there was a palpable tension in the air— it wasn't as though they could have missed the interchange.

Ronon suddenly jerked forward, before turning and pacing down the hall; Lorne and Carter watched him go, each sharing similar thoughts about ordering him back, and neither acting on them. Lorne turned back to Keller, and Carter to Radek and the wall panel they were dissecting, pieces of which now laid across the floor.

Their AI friend had been conspicuously silent for a while, now.

* * *

Rodney was exasperatingly aware of how closely John was watching him. And then he had to go and radio Jenifer! Like that was really going to do anything to help?

Of course, it had to have been a mission with a jumper. That meant most of the supplies were on the ship, and when they had found _this_ one, they hadn't bothered taking packs, only their tac-vests. Though Rodney was— and hell had certainly frozen over— wishing he'd _had_ the larger backpack, with more than just equipment in it. Like, with a blanket, or another jacket, or something in it. It was _freezing_ in here.

Not as though he could even voice that sentiment. The tattletale in the opposite corner would no doubt call up Keller again.

He must have begun to nod off, because the next thing Rodney realized, John was leaning forward, and seemed to be holding his hand.

"What are you _doing?_" Rodney yanked his hand away, swatting at Sheppard's, only to get a dirty look.

"I was checking your _pulse_."

"Yeah, well… _don't!_"

"Don't worry, I'm not the holding-hands type," John shot back.

"Would you _stop that?_ God, it's bad _enough_ with that damn _computer_, which, might I add, I have _no intentions_ of giving in to, so I'm _really_ not amused by _you_ doing all… _this!_" The rambling statement was punctuated with a wave of the hand he had just rescued.

John became incensed. "I'm not particularly hot on the idea _myself_. Though," he drawled, leaning back and regarding Rodney with half lidded eyes. "If Colonel Carter and Zelenka take much longer," he went on, loud enough to transmit through the radio— Rodney's, by now, as his was long dead— "I might end up doing rescue breathing."

"Hardy har _har_." Rodney's irritation was somewhat dulled by the fact that he was swaying slightly as he tried to glare at the lieutenant colonel. "I think I might throw up."

"Kindly wait until we're out of our box," John asked, with faked politeness.

* * *

Radek let his eyes linger on the screen's image; the hours continued to pass, and they were no closer. By now, he and Colonel Carter— and Doctor Keller, and Major Lorne, and even Ronon— had talked out every option, from cutting a hole in the blast door— a foolish idea, that if it didn't burn Sheppard and Rodney alive, would certainly burn up the breathable air in the tiny compartment, faster than the ventilation system could replace it— to destroying the ship's computer. Radek had reluctantly admitted, while the AI seemed content to let them struggle to open these sets of doors without doing more than diverting power from their location and blocking their commands, it would almost certainly actively fight any attempt to disable it.

So he could hardly even berate himself for the time wasted to watch his trapped comrades. Hard to waste time that serves no purpose anyways.

Colonel Sheppard simply looked tired and bored. The scientist supposed he might actually have had worse experiences than this. Rodney, on the other hand, seemed to drift in and out of consciousness. At the moment, he was leaned sideways against the opposite bulkhead door, not really moving. It was hard to tell with the low resolution from the screen, but his breathing seemed to be shallow.

Rodney had likely had worse experiences than this too; he really wasn't in any kind of serious danger, not yet, anyways. But Radek supposed it was the waiting… the endlessly slow passing of time, that seemed to make it worse.

Radek tossed a look over his shoulder. Colonel Carter had finally collapsed in a sleeping bag across the hallway, and was out cold. Lorne had joined Ronon in walking the nearby hallways, though if the sounds of footfalls were any indication, they'd be back soon. Keller was sitting on top of her bag; noticing him looking at her, she forced a smile, and he tried to return it.

Then, letting out a sigh, he pushed his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose and returned to work.

All of a sudden, he saw Sheppard stand up on the video; frowning, he clicked his radio. "Is everything all right?"

"_Just had to stretch my legs._" Even with the poor resolution, the man did look stiff, and Radek felt a pang of sympathy.

Between the bulkheads, John turned sideways, coming to rest against one of the doors and trying to stretch his back as long as he could make it go. He tried to stretch his arms as well, but his fingertips just about brushed the opposite door, eliciting a frown on his part. From there, though, he got a glimpse of his watch, and brought it closer to get a better look.

"How long have we been in here?"

A glance to the side confirmed that Rodney was awake and the one asking; John's expression only became more grim.

"Fourteen hours, twenty…one… minutes," he said at last.

"_Oh,_" McKay muttered, tilting his head back, before indulging in a bit of uncharacteristically colorful language.

"Yeah," John found himself agreeing. He turned a little to the side, running a hand through his hair— unconsciously, he wanted to start pacing, only just catching himself. He was starting to understand Rodney's claustrophobia, though the scientist seemed to have gotten over it.

Looking down at Rodney again rewarded him only with the obvious fact that his teammate was getting worse. Hell, he was probably no sight himself, but at least he was capable of starving in peace, as opposed to the crap Rodney was putting up with. He continued to watch the other man, who either didn't notice or didn't care at this point.

Fourteen hours worth of frustration and anger and aggravation came out in one breath, as John growled, "Oh, _fuck_ this—"

* * *

Ronon and Lorne had only gotten back a minute or so before, and were milling behind Zelenka— they'd woken Carter, but she assured them all, Jennifer in particular, that she was rested enough, and was starting to rejoin Radek, who was briefing her on the— expected— minimal progress.

Movement on screen caught his attention, and he turned to look, in turn making Colonel Carter follow his gaze. Sheppard had stepped across the compartment and was kneeling in front of McKay. Sam only had the time to get out, "What the—"

Rodney didn't even seem to realize Sheppard was in front of him until the taller man gripped a hand in the front of his tac vest and suddenly pulled the scientist to himself.

And from the other side of the bulkhead, five people simply stared at a small screen.

Radek didn't even notice his glasses slipping off his nose, he just watched, slightly slack-jawed. Jennifer tried to form a coherent sentence, but all that came out was, "Oh… my…"

For his part, Rodney seemed so surprised he didn't quite know _what_ to do, only that John Sheppard was very suddenly kissing him, actually, rather _hard_.

Just as suddenly, John pushed himself away, grimacing. Rodney was still staring at him, wide eyed and mouth hanging open— it was working up and down, like he was trying to speak but words just… no, not that words wouldn't come. There _were_ no words.

Leave it to McKay to find something to say anyways. "…Now I _am_ gonna be sick," he finally managed to get out.

And even as he said so, the doors beside them were beginning to split open. "Just…" Wearily, John raised an arm, before pointing towards the opening. "…Aim that way."


	3. Part III

**First Kiss  
A Stargate Atlantis Fanfic  
Monday, 20 October 2008**

**Warnings: Language, (Pseudo-)Slash**

* * *

"I can't believe you _actually did that!_"

It had only taken about half a second for Rodney to go from shocked silent to loud and incensed. John's expression remained unchanged, though, as he grabbed one of the shoulder's of Rodney's vest— making the scientist flail a bit, no doubt scared Sheppard was going to try and kiss him again— and yanked him to his feet. "Neither can I."

John sounded like he wanted nothing more than to drop it. Preferably down a deep hole. And pour concrete in after. Maybe empty a few clips in first, just to be sure.

And Rodney, true to form, was completely oblivious, following after the colonel as he stepped through the now open bulkhead and ranting at his back. Most of it came out garbled as he was repeatedly and vigorously rubbing his sleeve over his mouth, but the last bit was a distinct: "I want you to know, I feel _extremely_ violated!"

"File a sexual harassment complaint." John grit his teeth, for the moment, preoccupied with giving Lorne a glare that promised disembowelment, while the major was trying his damndest not to crack up.

It was then that Rodney seemed to take notice of the other people standing around the bulkhead— staring at the two of them— and his expression became sickly all of a sudden.

Sam looked like she was trying to come up with something to say— probably felt like she should at least say _something_— but was still just too shocked. Looking between Jennifer and Radek revealed similar sentiments.

It was Ronon who finally broke the silence, as he first snorted, then absolutely broke out laughing, deep and loud and sparing no dignity, if the fact that John was turning just as red as Rodney was any indication.

"Oh, yeah, _thanks_," the latter snapped, while John narrowed his eyes, and at about the same time, replied— irately— "Shut the _hell_ up."

Ronon's guffawing lessened only enough for him to get out, in between chuckles, "Sorry— were you two having a moment?"

That seemed to break the ice for the other four; Zelenka let out a small snort, and Jennifer was suddenly covering her mouth with her hand. Meanwhile, Lorne broke into a fit of very fake coughing. Even Colonel Carter couldn't resist a small smile, before shaking her head and grinning outright. "Come on, guys, let's… just go home."

"_Fantastic_ idea." Even as strained as John's voice was, Sam couldn't help the amusement she felt, and didn't even be try to hide it. It was pretty pointless by this time.

Though, she kindly didn't try to stop the lieutenant colonel as he stalked off, saying something about starting the jumper. Instead she turned to Rodney. "I imagine you're eager to get off this ship—"

"What could _possibly_ have given you that idea—"

"_Why _don't you go on ahead?" Sam cut back in, raising one eyebrow. "We'll get our gear together and catch up."

The first evident emotion was overwhelming relief, followed shortly by aggravation as he pointed at Ronon quite viciously, even as the Satedan was opening his mouth, and spat, "If you say _one word_ about 'alone time', I swear to _God_ your gun will explode the next time you use it!"

That succeeded in stopping the inevitable remark, but it didn't wipe the smirk off of Ronon's face.

Lorne placed a hand on Rodney's shoulder as he went past, bidding him "Take it easy, doc," with a wide grin, but Rodney shook him off.

"The same goes for _you_," he warned, before pausing, and turning slightly.

Radek and Jennifer were standing there, barely keeping themselves from busting out laughing. Rodney's eyes narrowed, and at last, he let out an irritated sigh. "Get it out of your system _now,_" he directed at Radek, who seemed like the worst of the two and at any rate was not attractively female, before continuing in a flat tone, "before I've recovered enough to strangle you."

Zelenka put on his very best serious expression. "Rodney," he said, putting a hand on the other man's shoulder, face twitching with effort while Jennifer descended into giggles and turned away to try and collect herself. "We are glad…" Then Radek lost it too and began to double up laughing; "…you are _out of the closet!!_"

That one had even Carter snorting, and she quickly hunched her shoulders, trying to hide it. Though, between Lorne and Ronon, she doubted Rodney could have even heard her. Rodney still seemed content to glare at all three of them, and Sam took note of how tense he had gotten, to include clenched fists. Her amusement waned, momentarily, as she considered if Rodney might just belt Zelenka.

But, true to his word, he refrained from causing the other scientist any bodily harm, for the moment, and stomped off after Sheppard.

With both unfortunate men gone, the chuckling died down a bit, and they were finally able to get their equipment and sleeping bags packed back up— Ronon, Keller, and Lorne, naturally were done much faster than Carter or Zelenka could hope to be, and after glancing up at them once, waved the trio off. "Go on, we won't be long."

"And promise not to get caught between any doors," Radek deadpanned, forcing Sam to bite her lip.

Feeling a need to step in a little, as a leader at the absolute least, Sam added before they left, "Hey, go easy on them, all right? I suppose we all have to remember, they did just spend the last fourteen and a half hours trapped," she admitted.

Lorne had the good sense to look at least a little chagrined, and Ronon— well, he wasn't smirking _quite_ so smugly as he had been. Jennifer, though, gave Sam a warm smile and a nod. "Don't worry," she assured her, "I intend to check them both over before we even leave, and then again when we get back to Atlantis."

"All right… Be right behind you!"

It took maybe a minute more for Sam and Radek to assemble and replace the various cables and tablets and data devices they had strewn around. As Zelenka was tucking away one last hard drive, and Carter was adjusting the straps on her pack, she remembered something that had occurred to her earlier.

"Oh, hey, Radek…"

"Mm?" The scientist looked up, curious.

"I hate to be disappointing, but I'd like your flash drive."

She got a blank look in return, before he realized what she was getting at; indeed, he seemed fairly disappointed. "Colonel…" he started.

"Ah—" She held up a hand to forestall him, before holding it out, expectantly. When he didn't move to give it to her right away, she waggled her fingers. His mouth pulled at the corner a little, but he obliged by taking pulling the jump drive and its lanyard over his neck and handing it to her. Sighing, he bent to zip up his pack, but was interrupted— "_Radek—_" He looked back up to find the colonel still staring at him, unimpressed. "_Both_ of them."

Again, he was silent for a moment, before digging into his pocket, swearing in what she could only assume was Czech.

* * *

"Colonel Sheppard!"

The tinny voice had John swearing— and dashing the last few steps to the open Jumper.

"…You have used those words before, but I am unfamiliar with them. They seem to accompany high levels of stress and release of hormones—"

"What the _hell_ do you want?" John interrupted the AI, now that he had reached the safety of the aft compartment of the puddle jumper and wasn't anywhere that made a potential cage.

"I merely sought to inquire after your well being," the computer replied, voice now echoing as it projected its voice through the speakers in the small shuttle bay their craft was parked in, and sounding a little hurt. "You did not want to talk to me very much before."

"_Gee_, imagine _that_," Sheppard ground out.

"I only did what I thought was best…"

"You stuck us in a _box!_" It occurred in the back of John's head that he was effectively yelling at a wall, and not even the wall the AI's voice was being piped in through, but there was nothing short of hell itself pulling him back out of that jumper.

"And now you and Doctor McKay are no longer arguing!" was the cheerful response. The insane logic had John pausing, not entirely sure that opening his mouth wouldn't result in him screaming and beating his head against the jumper's hull. Of course, this gave the AI the opportunity to continue this line of thought. "Though, that did not seem to evoke the typical response for a kiss— if you don't mind my saying so, you weren't really that good."

John stared out of the jumper hatch, incredulous. "…Anything else you'd like to add?" he asked at last.

"…You should practice?"

Inhaling deeply, John held that breath for a long moment, before just spinning on the heel of his boot and heading for the cockpit. He wanted to be ready to go the second the others got there. A few long strides and then he slung himself into the pilot's seat.

Loud, clomping footsteps had him spinning in the chair, though that stomp could only belong to one particular irate astrophysicist. "Are we ready to go yet?" Rodney griped, flinging himself on one of the benches in the back and quickly laying down on his back.

"We might want to wait for Colonel Carter and the others," John replied in a sardonic tone.

"Sure we have to?"

"Doctor McKay!"

"Oh, _shit!_" Rodney bolted upright, with that deer-in-front-of-a-dumptruck look.

"Re_lax_." John put on a very unimpressed expression, not about to tell Rodney that he'd reacted the same way and worse. "It's just the speakers in the bay."

"Relax, he says—"

"Are you well?" Rodney shot an unbelieving glance at John, who just kept staring at him over the back of the pilot's chair. The ship's computer went on, unaware. "Colonel Sheppard seems to have experienced stress."

"_Ha!_" The sudden and sharp laugh made John flinch and rub at his ear. "_Stress?_ Between claustrophobia, going into hypoglycemic shock…"

"What happened to, 'I'm not going into shock'?" John wondered. Rodney ignored him.

"Being deprived of _food_, _water_, not to mention facilities," he added as a side thought, and ignored John yet again as the colonel grimaced and interrupted, "Or a _shower_—" "And _certainly_ not least of all," Rodney went on, with a final glare for said colonel, "being… _sexually assaulted!_"

"_What?_" John physically turned all the way around in the chair. "Where do you… no, you know what? I don't even remember you getting this dramatic when I _shot_ you," he pointed out, a little incensed at the backlash he was getting. Especially since he was certain this was only the tip of the iceberg. Rodney recoiled a bit, as though afraid the colonel was considering shooting him _again_. Tempting, _very _tempting, but John chose to go in a different direction. "And you know, _this_ is the kind of thing that got us _into_ the damned situation."

That at least caught Rodney's attention, and his aggravation began to wane. Then he glanced towards the open hatch, into the shuttle bay, obviously thinking of the AI.

Both men paused, falling silent, but the computer didn't seem to have anything to say, even about their latest spat. Exchanging one more look, Rodney and John both showed relief on their faces, certainly more so than annoyance.

Wanting to end it, John took the extra step. "Look, for what it's worth, I'm _sorry_. But we're _out_, and we're going _home_." After a second, the other man nodded along, before tossing an anxious stare through the hatch.

"…Hope they hurry up and get here soon," Rodney muttered.

"Amen." John gripped the controls again, mentally bidding the small Ancient craft on.

"…Colonel?" John glanced up warily, gripping the controls. The AI could probably sense the jumper powering up. "…I know you must leave to meet your basic nutritional needs. But, will you come back to visit me?"

Caught unawares, he at first said nothing, then turned back to Rodney, who was sitting up and gaping worse than _he_ was.

"…We can't," John said, saying the first thing that came to mind, and just running with it. "We… have to go back to our… ship. Our ship's travelling, and we can't just _stop_… We'll just be… too far away. Sorry." It sounded even more lame when he thought back over it.

Rodney seemed to agree, as he was giving Sheppard a look like he was crazy, or maybe just stupid, and threw his hands out to the side in exasperation.

"You live on a travelling ship?"

"…_You_ live on a ship," he reasoned.

"But you can't even come back?" It really was starting to sound like a hurt, petulant child. "That sounds… very _unlikely_."

"…Look. We'll see if we can… point someone in your direction," he offered.

"But no more trapping people between bulkheads!" Rodney demanded all of a sudden, choosing to join in the 'negotiation'.

"I promise," the computer replied, solemnly. "Does this mean you'll come and visit me again?"

"…No promises… either way," John added. "Good enough?"

"Mm. I suppose."

Rodney sitting up straighter caught his attention again, and the scientist's next words were hardly even needed, as he caught sight of movement beyond. "Here they come…"

"I will miss you!" the AI said, all the trappings of a fond farewell.

John just winced and turned back to the front. "Let's just get back to Atlantis…"

* * *

"Jesus _Christ_, if I hear one more 'closet' comment…" Rodney griped, waving his fork around, before Ronon interrupted, wearing a sly grin.

"What, don't like to reminisce?"

Two days, and he still hadn't let up. Better still, by now, the whole expedition knew, although Sam had assured Rodney she had destroyed all video evidence. All it seemed to matter to Ronon was that he could now make fun of them in public as well as private. Rodney was certain he had never seen the Satedan in higher spirits.

He tried to will the man's dreadlocks to spontaneously combust by glaring at him as hard as humanly possible, but Ronon was, as always, ultimately unimpressed. Rodney grimaced, before deigning to reply with, "_No._ Would you??" Then he stuffed a forkful of pasta in his mouth and hastily swallowed, before going off on a tangent. "I mean, _seriously_, it wasn't even a _closet_, it was a stupid _bulkhead!_"

"Worked well enough," Ronon felt the need to point out, before tossing a lazy smirk at two of the other people seated at their cafeteria table. Jennifer, who was at least trying to be nice about the whole thing, forced her lips into a thin line to keep from grinning like an idiot, and reached for her drink. Teyla simply raised an eyebrow, though there were the hints of a smile at her mouth and in her eyes. Ronon directed his next comment to the last person at their table, who seemed far less amicable; "Think he just insulted you."

John forced a smile that was anything but pleasant. "Keep going like this," he warned, "and I'll make out with you in front of the marines."

The sound of Jennifer reflexively spitting water back into her cup to keep from choking made everyone at the table start, before Ronon snorted at John's suggestion.

"Laugh now— my reputation's already shot to hell," he reminded him, smiling wickedly and beginning to rise. "So I've got nothing to lose. Besides!" He took his tray in one hand and rounded the table, surprising the larger man by throwing his opposite arm around his shoulders. "What's not to love about a big, strapping guy like you, huh?"

Making a disparaging sound, Ronon shook him off, and leaving it at that, John went to dispose of his tray. Returning his attention to the rest of the table, though, Ronon found McKay watching him and looking very perturbed.

"He's not serious." He gave Rodney an amused look that clearly said he thought the scientist was a gullible idiot.

"And yet I still wouldn't put him past _doing it_," Rodney replied, completely serious himself and looking uneasy.

Ronon continued to stare at him. After a few seconds, though, his grin faltered and he seemed to be a little uncomfortable.

The women of course, had been watching this exchange silently, and Teyla took this opportunity to laugh a little at Ronon's discomfort. Jennifer was still trying to be impartial in all of this, but was finding it rather difficult, barely keeping from cracking up again.

She glanced down at her cup, finally allowing herself the smile she'd been holding in. "Blackmail by threatening to make out with someone," she remarked. "That's a new one."

"And yet," Rodney added, "_terrifyingly_ effective."

As for Teyla— oh, by the _Ancestors_ she wished she had been there! At first, when word had come back that two of her teammates, her _friends_, had been trapped in an alien ship, she couldn't help but worry without end. So much so, that when Colonel Carter and Major Lorne had finally returned with them, she had been completely baffled as to the pleasant moods they had been in, as compared to the foul ones John and Rodney had been suffering.

And how she had gaped when Jennifer had finally told her the story.

She could not find it in herself to provoke them as Ronon was doing, or so endlessly. But now that the danger had passed and they had returned to Atlantis, relief combined with happiness combined with incredulity left her unable to resist joining in the teasing at least once or twice.

So she did not even bother to hide her wide smile when Jennifer commented: "Well, I think you and Colonel Sheppard make a cute couple."

This time it was Ronon doing the spit take, and Rodney asking in a voice at least an octave and a half too high, "Ex_cuse_ me??"

Quick to jump in, Teyla added, "I am glad the two of you are finally able to become this close."

Rodney gaped, looking betrayed. The effect was somewhat diminished by Ronon laying his head on the table, laughing his ass off. "You _too?_ Oh _come on!_" he snapped, rounding on the Satedan next to him. As that didn't seem to have the desired effect— in fact, quite the opposite, the rest of the table looked like they were about to join Ronon— he turned back to Teyla. "Hey, how would you feel if I kept making comments about… about you and Jennifer?" he suddenly asked, crossing his arms smugly and sure that she couldn't argue.

The two women in question exchanged looks; Keller shrugged and said, "Wouldn't be bad."

Teyla raised her eyebrows, before commenting, "I am not _put off_ by the idea."

Her attention was suddenly caught by John, who must have just been walking up to the table because he stopped dead about a few feet away and stared, blinking a few times. "…I _think_ I walked in on this conversation at the wrong time," he hazarded, uncertain.

Rodney and Ronon were no better, both staring. After a moment, McKay asked, "_Really?_"

Teyla turned towards him, tilting her head. "Such pairings are uncommon among my people," she informed him, "but not unaccepted."

Jennifer seemed curious. "Yeah?" Teyla nodded in return.

"Life under the Wraith is never guaranteed— love is one of the strongest and most wonderful things a person can have in life. Why should people not be with those they love, for as much time as they can?" she asked, as though she could not see how it could possibly be otherwise. Certainly, she had been confused at the expedition members' shyness of what they called 'homosexuality', but after a while, had written it off as yet another of their many quirks.

In the meantime, Jennifer was smiling softly. "That is _neat_," she murmured. Then, without warning, she turned and swatted Rodney in the shoulder.

"_Ow!_ What was _that_ for?"

Jennifer demanded, "Why do you have to be so…"

"Insecure?" John supplied, seating himself next to Ronon again, this time with dessert. Ronon leaned out, away from him, and John and Teyla shared a grin at his expense.

"Insecure, _thank_ you," Jennifer was saying.

"Yes, _thank you_," Rodney repeated in a low, dry tone.

John plastered on an innocent smile. "You're welcome. …_So_," he drawled, digging into his ice cream, "can I ask what brought all _this_ on? I seem to have missed something while I was away." He glanced round the table as he carefully took a bite.

Tactful as ever, Ronon stated, "Keller thinks you and McKay are cute together."

John's expression froze, spoon in mouth and all, while Jennifer nudged Ronon and gave him one of those 'what gives?' looks.

The colonel set down his spoon and swallowed hard, before remarking, with forced amusement, "_Really_. …This is something you _contemplate?_" he asked Jennifer all of a sudden.

She quickly covered her sheepishness, and replied with as much snark as she could, "Sure, don't you?"

"Not me and _Rodney_, no," he answered back, but seemed to relax a little.

"Should I be insulted, or relieved?" Rodney murmured, seeming to be a bit of both.

"Well, _on_ that subject…" Teyla tilted her head as though considering something. "What about Rodney and Radek?"

"What?"  
"_What??_"

Jennifer's laughing incredulity had been all but drowned out by Rodney's screech that drew the attention of whatever nearby tables hadn't already been eavesdropping. Teyla couldn't help a small laugh at the rise she'd gotten, and was joined by Ronon. John, on the other hand, was making a face.

"Hey, I thought we were talking 'cute', not 'old _married_ couple'."

"Ah _ha ha ha_," Rodney shot back, considering how to get a clown poster taped to John's ceiling.

"See," John went on, turning to Ronon, "I still think you and I have a chance." The shove Ronon gave him had him flailing to grab for the table and seat back so as not to fall out of his chair. "Hey! I never said I wanted an abusive relationship," he protested, to the snickers of his friends.

"Not my type," Ronon finally said.

John affected a hurt look and clutched a hand to his chest. "You're breaking my heart, here!" Rodney had to put out one arm to steady Jennifer, who looked about ready to fall out of her _own_ chair, she was laughing at Sheppard's antics so hard, by now. Even Teyla was shaking and rubbing at her eyes.

Ronon just regarded the other man coolly. "Always seemed like you'd hook up with someone more like… I dunno, Beckett."

Now John really did make a face, brow furrowed in confusion. "_…Beckett?_"

He wasn't the only one, apparently, as Rodney broke back into the conversation, eyebrows drawn together. "Wait, how'd you come up _John_ and _Carson?_" Ronon shrugged, while Rodney went on, even sounding a little annoyed now. "Hell, he was _my_ best friend…" Then he seemed to notice the rest of the table regarding him with barely guarded smiles. Defensively, he asked, "What?"

"Awww…" A huge grin was splitting John's face. "Rodney's jealous!"

"_What?_ I am _not—_"

"Oh, Rodney," John admonished, "don't try to hide it."

Speaking over Rodney, who was spluttering at John and his Cheshire Cat grin, Teyla added, "I think the question is, of _whom_ is Rodney jealous— John, or Carson?" she proposed to the table at large.

"That's a good question." John adopted an air of mock seriousness and turned to Rodney expectantly.

The scientist, in an overly dignified fashion, insisted, "I am not _jealous_ of _anybody_… least of all _you,_" he added, derisively, for John's benefit. "Besides, what's there to be jealous of, I mean," he went on coolly, raising his eyebrows and going after his pasta again, "Carson and I would make a _far_ cuter couple than him and _John_."

* * *

Three days in, and things seemed to be lightening up— slightly.

While he couldn't do anything about the civilians, his own personnel had started to toe the line a bit more carefully. Added to the fact that he had managed to get Ronon out of his hair for a few days, John was in pretty high spirits when he knocked on the wall of Carter's office.

As she glanced up, he grinned. "You wanted to see me?"

She smiled in return, and he relaxed, now at least fairly certain that he wasn't in trouble. "Yeah, come on in… Please, have a seat." Colonel Carter gestured towards the chair on the opposite side of her desk, and John happily obliged, waiting as she saved her work and closed her laptop.

"What can I do for you, ma'am?"

"Oh, no, nothing official," she admitted. John could sense where this was going, but couldn't exactly stop it. "Just, uh… well, honestly, wanting to know how things have been going for you after the incident on the ship."

John smiled a bit ruefully, but didn't seem upset to Carter. "A little rough at first, but the marines, at least, have pretty much stopped."

"Yeeeah," Carter mused, raising one eyebrow. "Probably has something to do with the fact that you volunteered Lorne and his team for a mission to M1R-213. _If_ I were to hazard a guess."

"Hey, the inhabitants of that world need help to build a new dam above their village." Sheppard sounded perfectly innocent, which was the dead giveaway both that he had sent Lorne purely for the sake of revenge, and that he wasn't remorseful in the slightest.

Carter didn't looked fooled for a second, a knowing smirk on her face. "I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that M1R-213 is a world whose Stargate is surrounded by thirty square miles of swampland."

"Of course not," John protested. "_You_ know, these are the decisions a leader has to make. For instance," he reasoned, "I also foresaw the need for Ronon's assistance, and not just 'cause he's a strong guy, _but_, on the off chance the Wraith decide to attack that world."

"Mm." Carter folded her hands in front of her. "A 'big, strapping guy', from what I hear." The corner of Sheppard's mouth twitched, but beyond that he managed to control his expression. At that, Colonel Carter finally broke and shook her head, grinning. "You remind me _very much_ of someone I know."

"…Is that a compliment or a reprimand?"

"I don't know, but I think I should be worried," she shot back, before pointedly asking, "I trust after this you'll let Lorne off the hook?"

John seemed to consider it, before nodding. "It may have taken a few days, but Lorne was definitely starting to show some mortification right before he left. I'd say he's good." He wisely left out the bit about the fact that he'd managed to get both Lorne _and_ Ronon back in one fell swoop was just icing on the cake.

"Well… ignoring the _means_," Carter started, and Sheppard was once again grinning like the cat that ate the canary, "I'm glad the marines are starting to take the hint. But…" She grimaced, trying to find the right words. "…You may ultimately face _other_ problems. Not from me," she was quick to assure him, "or from any of the senior staff or military personnel, I'll make absolutely sure of that. But," she went on, and again seemed to hit a snag, "some of the non-military members of the expedition are admittedly…"

"Gay?" John filled in, eyebrows going up.

"Ye-es…" She winced at the next thought. "You may end up getting a few… awkward offers."

"Oh, already have," Sheppard informed her cheerfully.

"Really," Carter remarked, looking alarmed.

John pulled back slightly, looking a little hurt. "I was tactful," he insisted. "I let them down gently," he added, in a very dignified manner.

Colonel Carter blinked once or twice, expression slowly morphing to one of puzzlement. "…What did you _tell_ them?"

* * *

If Rodney McKay had been a taskmaster before, he was a slave driver now.

It was the generally established consensus that he was running the scientists into the dirt to either try to seem tough and masculine, or as preemptive revenge for gossiping about him. It was a well known fact that neither one was working.

For the moment, Rodney was buried under a console that he was taking apart for no real reason except that he couldn't get the damn thing to turn on. That and he could pretend he wasn't in the presence of all these morons.

"You know, you're a lucky guy."

Unfortunately, like positive and negative particles attracted one another, his vast genius seemed only to attract the moronic: one of the other scientists had wandered over and was watching him work.

Not really paying attention, Rodney agreed, in as disinterested a tone as he could muster, "Yes, yes I am. Why am I lucky?"

Twisting to get a better angle on what Rodney was doing the other man remarked, offhand, "Well, you and Colonel Sheppard."

Rodney fumbled the scanner he had been holding, and looked as though he were holding in a few choice cuss words as he went to retrieve it. "_What_ gives you the idea that me and Colonel Sheppard— _don't_ answer that," he cut himself off without breaking stride.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before glaring at the man. Before he could appropriately chew the other scientist's head off, the man just grinned and handed the scanner back to Rodney, who snatched it and set himself back to work, determinedly ignoring the snickers coming from around the room.

The other man seemed unperturbed, though, and went on. "Actually," he admitted in an amused undertone, "I tried to ask the colonel to lunch." Rodney pulled back and looked heavenward in exasperation. Eyeing Rodney, the scientist added, "Figured it couldn't hurt to try."

"Well, I wish the two of you a happy love."

"Cute," the other man replied, dryly. "At least _he_ was nice about it."

Rodney rolled his eyes, wondering what he did to deserve this. Hell, _he_ hadn't even had any say in the whole thing, it was _Sheppard_ who kissed _him!_

"But, you gotta respect someone with that kind of determination," the other man was admitting.

That caught Rodney's attention. "Determination," he repeated, suddenly getting suspicious.

"Yeah," the other guy answered. "Said you two were committed to your relationship."

"W-_what?!_"

Rodney did a passable imitation of a fish— his face a most embarrassed shade of red, mouth gaping and eyes wide. "He— _He said_—" He clenched his eyes shut, tensing up, and looking about ready to erupt. Activity around the lab seemed to stall, as the other scientists began to sense the impending disaster.

And then, finally, Vesuvius exploded—

"I'm gonna fucking _kill him!_"

* * *

**END**

* * *

A/N: Naturally, I should never promise a date for a chapter, as I will inevitably miss it. Ahh… sorry you all had an extra week to wait, I just hope this one was worth it. And worth the day of studying I blew off to write it. ;)

Ironically, I had… basically this entire chapter outlined, conversations and everything, except the final conversation with our friendly neighborhood psychotic ship's AI, which came about when I realized I couldn't actually get away with not tying up that loose end. (And, no, I couldn't resist poking fun at SGU. :) Fingers crossed, it's as good as it should be.) Speaking of, the general take seems to be that the AI was a girl? Huh. I always imagined it as a boy. A rather androgynous boy, perhaps… But gee, I wonder how anyone could possibly assume that someone that stuffs two men in a closet and demands they make out is a girl. **(rolls eyes)**

And as for the cafeteria scene… that one just wrote itself. (I mean, it seems only natural to me that the conversation would flow from defending one's sexuality to discussing which of the guys make cute couples. Doesn't it?) In fact, I think, but I'm not quite sure, that it wrote itself before any other part of the story. Almost this entire section was figured out beforehand… let me tell you, it's a bit of a trick, having the ending and then trying to write the lead in! It's _hard!_

Thanks, to the lot of you, for reading and reviewing, and the + Alerts— I just hope you got a few good giggles out of it. I probably won't see you all again until around Christmas (!), so I'll wish you a Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving now! Stargate (SGA and SG-1) fans, keep your eyes peeled, I've got at least four more in the works… That's all, folks! ('Til next time!)

:DemonicK


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